Catching Up

Yes, I finally did give birth. It was long and not the birth I had planned, but now I have a beautiful daughter to hold in my arms, and despite the let-down I felt at having to birth at the hospital instead of the birth center, and having to be put on pitocin and eventually receiving an epidural when I wanted a meds-free birth--despite all that, I am glad she's come and it was totally worth it.

So what's happened in the last month that I haven't posted anything new? Well, besides giving birth, I've had to adjust to not only being at home almost all the time, but also to being a mom. I've never been a mom before, and regardless of how much time I've spent babysitting, in the nursery at church, or just hanging around my nieces and nephew, being a mom is still very new. Of course, the basics I perfected (or at least got used to) while babysitting, etc.--like diapering and playing and soothing a baby--are helpful. But there are many new aspects to mothering that I had never experienced, and one can never know these things unless you've been a mother. Things like nursing, and the incredible feeling you get when you look at your precious child and realize that she is the little being that was inside of you for 40 weeks--and that she's just so perfect! Or when she's crying (and though with other babies, if you pick them up, there's a 50/50 chance that they'll keep crying, because they want Mommy, and you aren't good enough, no matter how many animal crackers you give them!), and you just pick her up and talk to her softly, and suddenly, she's calm--just because she's with Mommy.

I've learned the art of nursing in public. It's still a work in progress, but we're getting there. And I've learned the importance of napping, and getting a shower whenever possible, because you never know when you'll be able to shower again! I've discovered the beauty of staying in bed until 10:00 (albeit nursing and such during that time), but I've learned that it comes at a price: only sleeping about 3 hours the night before. I've also experienced the utter amazement that lullabies (or any song sung softly) really do work!

There are times, though, when I don't want to be a mother for a few minutes. Like last night, when I'm trying to get in a good meal, and knowing that my daughter nursed just half an hour before, and hearing her cries of hunger once again. Or there are those nights every once in a while, when I really don't want to get out of bed (even though the crib is just 3 feet away...), but my daughter needs me and she's relying on me to feed her, to change her diaper, and to comfort her. Or on those nights when I just break down and cry because I'm tired and I just want to sleep, but she won't stop fussing, and no matter what I do, she won't go to sleep, and she's being picky with eating, and---

But those times are precious, too. Because I learn from them. I've learned that parenting is so much more of a sacrifice than I ever imagined--and I'm only 4 weeks in! I've realized that from that moment, at 6:33pm on Saturday, September 20th, I was a different person. True, I've been a mother since she was conceived, but at that moment of her birth, I really became a mom. A diapering, nursing, sleep-deprived, worrying mom. My role as a housewife and stay at home mom became real. I had been staying home for weeks before she was born, and I probably should've gotten into my role a bit earlier, but now that she's born, I have just a bit more gumption and willingness to clean the house, make dinner, take care of bills, and make sure that my husband's needs are taken care of. Unfortunately, I can't do as much of that lately, since she's been eating like there's no tomorrow, and gassy, and fussy, and just needing my attention.

But eventually I catch up. Eventually, I'm able to get a load of laundry in, or fill up the dishwasher, or fix up dinner...

And my writing is another subject. It hasn't been touched in weeks. I've been a bit preoccupied, and I know most people would excuse me for that, but I worry. I worry that I'll never be able to get back into it. I mean, from here on out, there's only going to be more and more--she's never going to sleep as much as she did this month. She's (probably) never going to be as easily entertained as she is now. So what hope is there for me and my writing? Well, God said it would happen, and I just have to trust him. He didn't say when, so I could be waiting until I'm 50... but hey, I'm almost halfway there, so that's not so bad, right?? Right...

But I'll catch up. One of these days when my daughter is sleeping, and I'm well rested, and the house is clean, and my husband is still at work, and it's mom's night for dinner... on that day, I'm sure I'll catch up and work on my books a little... if I have the inspiration and don't have writer's block...

I'll catch up... eventually.