Emotionless

It's a bit of an oxymoron for me. Or rather, I'm a bit of an oxymoron.

You see, my cousin died today.

No, not the one who lives with me. I'd be a bit more hysterical if she died.

I wasn't very close to this cousin, but I came to the hospital to give support to my family. And while everyone around me was blurry-eyed, puffy-faced and holding each other, I just sat. I stared out the window. I watched the cartoons on the tiny TV across the room. I checked and sent text messages, requesting prayer and giving updates. I didn't shed one tear, even when I went in to see her. Even when they announced that she was gone and her best friend and her fiance fell to the floor, weeping and sobbing. I still stared, emotionless.

Normally I'm the one who is told to calm down.

Normally I'm the one who is "overemotional". But today, I just sat and stared.

I guess that's how I deal with death. That's how I've dealt with it so far. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends of the family... I've attended their funerals and still, nothing.

I looked out the window as my cousin's friends and family wept. It was cloudy today and the whole window was white--completely void of any differential. I felt like that cold, gray sky, showing nothing but knowing that somewhere in there, there's a storm.

Somewhere beyond the gray, dull exterior, there's torrents of rain and strong winds, waiting to be released. The only question is, when?